


All You Hold Back

by jaekayelle



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-17
Updated: 2003-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-29 07:41:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaekayelle/pseuds/jaekayelle
Summary: Summary: Mal forces himself to accept a few truths.





	All You Hold Back

 

All You Hold Back

## All You Hold Back

### by Jae Kayelle

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Tim Minear, and Mutant Enemy own the characters. Chara's mine but I don't particularly want her. No copyright infringement intended. No profit made from this work of fiction. 

"He'll live." 

I glanced sharply at the old crone bending over the cot. She was a pain in the ear but she knew her stuff. Even Simon had said so, though grudgingly. Her abrasive personality had grated on all our nerves since day one of our involvement in this quasi-plague here in the backwoods of Raknur. All we were here to do was deliver medicine from our Ariel heist. Somehow we ended up eyeball deep in a village full of sick and dying people. The villagers were innocent and helpless so, of course, Simon wanted to help. I wanted to go to our next drop and collect the money from actual paying customers. Simon argued, I argued back half- heartedly, but only to rile him. I wouldn't take away these people's best chance at surviving their plague. He yelled, I yelled. He won and I nearly lost him. 

Swallowing back the fear that rose unbidden in my throat I resisted the urge to touch Simon's pale, sweaty forehead, as he lay there unconscious. He'd caught the sickness. Working day and night, taking little time to eat or rest, Simon had pitched in with his Alliance-trained skills and saved lives, dozens more than would have made it without him. His reward was to nearly succumb to the plague himself. 

I'd come into the makeshift hospital three days ago and saw him sway like a sapling in a strong breeze. Don't remember dropping my armful of blankets or crossing the distance between us, but suddenly all of his weight was in my arms. I picked him up and carried him over to a nearby cot, vacated only an hour earlier when its occupant had passed on into the realm. I tried not to think about that. Many of the beds were under the same jinx. He needed to lie down. That was the priority. He felt light in my arms, too light. He's not a big man but he should have weighed more than he did. A result of not taking time to eat properly, I reckoned. 

The crone, her name is Chara, materialized at my side and tried to shove me out of the way. I wanted to shove back. In that moment I truly hated that woman but recognized that she was the only one here who could help him. Without letting the truth cement in my mind, I already knew that Simon was not merely exhausted but that he had caught the sickness. I got out of Chara's way and let her work. She ordered me about, making me fetch blankets, medicine - the stuff we brought as well as her home grown remedies - water, lots and lots of water for bathing his fevered body and for forcing him to drink some. He was dehydrated which allowed the virus access to his weakened system. Told him he should have taken time for proper food and water. I immediately regretted my pettiness. I hadn't meant it. Getting Simon well again was all I cared about. 

I was all for packing him up and getting him to Serenity; find an Alliance hospital where he'd get the care he needed with sterile beds and instruments and the brightest and best doctors, but of course that was foolishness. Taking him to the Alliance would be like taking him to his death, not to mention what they'd do to River. Poor kid had been through enough and she still didn't know anything had happened to her brother. Wash told me she'd had a freakout in Serenity's kitchen, screaming Simon's name over and over until Zoe sedated her. Maybe she did know. 

Chara was as good a chance as he had so we stayed. Three days and three nights of hovering by Simon's bedside and trying to stay out of Chara's way were rewarded with her simple announcement. 

"He'll live." 

"He won't have any brain damage from the fever?" I could barely form the words but had to know. The thought of Simon disabled in any way was too painful to bear thinking about. 

She looked up at me with her black, witchy eyes and said, "He'll recognize you and all you hold back." 

"What the hell does that mean?" 

"Get him to explain it to you," she said and turned back to her patient, fussing over him for another few minutes before finally getting up and tottering off. Her last instruction to me was, "Take him home. Take care of him." 

I sank onto the low stool next to Simon's bed, my fingers brushing his where they lay on top of the rough blanket. My mind was empty, my body heavy with fatigue. All of my energy had vanished in the past few minutes. He was going to be okay. I bowed my head and laid it next to our hands, just needed to close my eyes for a minute. I'd been running on adrenaline for three days. 

# 

"...been like that for nearly half an hour." 

"They're so cute. Aren't they cute, Zoe?" 

"They make an adorable couple." 

It wasn't hearing Zoe, Wash and Book's amusing little remarks that brought me around. It was the feel of someone's hand on my head, lightly stroking my hair. I lifted my head just enough to see Simon's hazel eyes, clear and bright and healthy, gazing back at me. There was a low flush under his skin and an enigmatic smile on his lips. 

"Hi," he said. "I understand I have you to thank for keeping me alive." 

I sat up slowly, my muscles protesting the awkward position I'd folded them into. That was when I spotted Kaylee hanging back. Her face told a story and it wasn't a happy one. I knew she had feelings for Simon but always thought it was a crush that would go away after awhile. Could be it was a bit more than that. 

"Chara did the witch-doctoring. I just fetched and carried," I told Simon, my throat dry. I coughed to clear it. Simon's face immediately took on an expression of concern. 

"And how do you feel?" he asked. 

Brushing aside the question, I said, "I'm fine. You ready to go home?" 

"H-home?" he asked slowly. 

"Yeah. Serenity." 

A truly breathtaking smile brightened his face. "Yes. Home." 

I blinked at him unsure of what thoughts had just taken a trip through his mind, but I truly liked that smile. 

# 

I wanted to carry him in my arms back to the ship, but it was about a mile away and I was feeling a little winded. Wash brought the mule and we rode on that. Simon and I sat on the back end facing the way we'd come. When the vehicle trundled over a bump in the road he was tossed against me. I slid an arm around his shoulders to hold him steady and he leaned into the touch. When I glanced down at him, his dark head settled on my shoulder and his eyes closed. He did not seem to be in any discomfort, but I held him closer anyway. Just in case he fell asleep and fell off the mule. 

He wasn't asleep, though. Just when I started to feel comfortable holding him he spoke. 

"Capt...Malcolm?" 

It was the first time I'd heard him call me by name and, although normally I prefer it if people shorten it to "Mal", I liked hearing him say it. 

"Hmm?" 

He sat up and cast a professional look over me. "Are you sure you're all right? You feel a little warm. Actually, your body is throwing off quite a bit of heat." 

"Maybe it's because you're sitting so close to me." Then I realized I was giving too much away and amended it to, "I mean if you were sitting over there you wouldn't feel it." 

He regarded me in a way that told me he was not at all fooled. "Perhaps," was all he said, and then he snuggled in closer still and gripped my hand in his. He did not let go until the mule stopped. We were home. 

# 

Simon kept to his bunk for the rest of the day and the next with Kaylee volunteering to take his meals to him. I watched her prepare a tray for him, she had taken him his breakfast and lunch, and now there she was readying his dinner. An uneasy sensation was growing in my gut. I refused to name it. 

Instead I said, "You'd best get to the overhaul of the cooling systems, Kaylee." 

She turned and shot me a look that wasn't quite a glare, but was close enough to make it clear she was annoyed with me. 

"I will. Just as soon as I make sure Simon eats his supper." She got turned around halfway again. 

"Anybody can feed the Doc. You're the only one that knows how to do the engineering on this boat." 

This time I got the full bite of her venomous look. She gritted her teeth and marched over to the table where I was sitting and banged the tray down in front of me, slopping some of the soup over the rim of the bowl. It splashed onto the back of my hand. I jerked away from the hot liquid. 

"Careful!" I sucked on my hand to take away the sting. 

"You feed him then." She stomped off muttering in Mandarin. I heard something about shoving the soup bowl up someplace painfully unaccommodating. 

Ignoring the wordless criticism I was receiving from Inara and Zoe I picked up the tray and headed for Simon's quarters. I had made myself scarce around him since we got back to the ship, a nameless fear making me stay away. I never thought of myself as a coward and did not think that now. It was time to start acting brave. 

He was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants and sitting up in bed when I got there. River was curled up against the wall next to him, brushing his hair off his forehead. Again I felt a surge of irritation at the sight of someone other than me doing for him, even if it was his sister. River looked up and straight at me. 

"All you hold back," she said. 

A chill of recognition raced up my spine. Those were the same words Chara had used. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what she meant by that but bit down on the question. I understood. No sense letting everyone know it, although I was uncomfortably aware the truth had probably been examined already. Still, I couldn't bring myself to get it out into the open. 

River slid gracefully off the bed and skipped to the door. She stopped there to stare at me a moment and then she was gone. Strange girl. 

I turned to Simon who was watching me with a comprehending twinkle in his eye. The Tams were beginning to get on my nerves as well as under my skin. Wasn't even going to think about them getting inside my head. 

"What?" I asked irritably, and deposited the tray down on his bedside table with nearly as much force as Kaylee had used in the kitchen. 

"Oh, nothing." He sat up. "Is that for me?" 

"If you want it. Book made it, so it's not half bad." 

"I'm sure it's fine." 

I helped him get settled with the tray so that he could eat without the bowl pitching over, and leaned against the wall a few feet away. 

"You could sit here," he patted a spot on the mattress next to him. 

The bed did look mighty tempting - purely for sitting purposes. I sat near him and scooted back to rest my shoulders against the bulkhead. As Simon ate his soup I let the quiet and restfulness of the room wash over me. My eyes were just closing when I heard him put his spoon down in an empty bowl. It has a tone that a full bowl does not. Just a little thing you pick up out of nowhere. I opened my eyes. He wore an inscrutable expression as he sat gazing at me. 

"You're tired," he announced. 

I nodded. No sense arguing with a trained professional. Besides, he was right. 

"Guess the last few days are catching up with me." 

He picked up my left hand and held it loosely around the wrist. After a moment I realized he was checking my pulse and I tried to pull my hand free. He hung on just to make a point of some kind before releasing me. I drew my hands in and clamped them under my arms against my sides, but did not move otherwise. 

"You could be right. You will tell me if you start to feel ill?" 

"I'm fine. Just tired." 

"So am I," he admitted. "Maybe we could...rest?" 

"Rest?" 

"Lie down with me, Malcolm." 

He set the tray aside. I was half a step behind him in moving, but followed him down to lie full length on the bed with my back against the wall. He settled in facing me. We were almost nose to nose. We shifted around some more until he lay in my arms with his head tucked in under my chin. He took my hand again and placed it on his hip. 

"I didn't think you would come to see me." His voice held disappointment. He had mostly gotten past it already but I could hear the ghostly tendrils of it curling through his words. I cursed my stupidity and the fear that it had taken me so long to face. 

I lay a bit rigidly listening to his breathing. It was hard to relax enough to do more than doze, dragged down that far by the weight of my exhaustion. I had wanted this for so long and now that the way was clear it was difficult to accept let alone do anything about it. I must have faded out for a few minutes at least because I opened my eyes to see Kaylee standing in the doorway. She was biting her lip and looking miserable. I hated seeing her like that, especially knowing that, once again, I was responsible for causing that misery. I had no idea what to say to make it better. Nothing would help. It was something Kaylee needed to come to terms with on her own. She hugged herself and drifted away out of sight. 

I closed my eyes, and tried to shutter my aching heart. If I could have made it easier on her I would have, but for once I was taking what was offered. Simon was offering himself and he was what I wanted. 

"What are you thinking?" he asked, unaware that Kaylee had seen us together. 

"That I thought you were asleep." His voice had startled me. My heart beat wildly for a moment. 

He shook his head brushing his silky hair against my neck and chin. I lifted a hand to push some stray locks away from my nose. 

"You still feel overly warm." He pulled back just enough to see my eyes, and then he pressed his hand against my forehead. "Might not be a fever." 

"I feel good, Simon. Quit fussing." 

"The sickness on that planet was nothing to take lightly, Mal. I'm still too weak to look after you properly if you get sick, too." 

"Then let me look after you." 

"Honestly. You two both need lookin' after." 

I sat up partway at the sound of Kaylee's overly cheerful voice. Simon rolled over so he could see her over his shoulder. She marched up to the bed and tugged on the blanket that was tangled around our legs. When it was free she dragged it up over both of us. She almost tucked us in but not quite. 

"You might wanna take your boots off, Cap'n. Be more comfortable." 

"Thank you, little Kaylee," I said softly. 

She ducked her head. Not once since she came in had she looked me in the eye. 

"Yeah. Just...just take care of each other." She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. She left then, switching off the light as she went. 

I couldn't see Simon in the dark but knew his gaze was on me. 

"Will you take your boots off and be more comfortable?" 

There was a whole lot more under the surface of that question other than the obvious. I sat up and removed my boots and slipped my suspenders down. When I lay back down Simon wrapped one arm over my chest in kind of a half hug and tucked his other one in next to my ribs. I slid my arm underneath his head so that I could encircle his shoulders and then I was content. Simon was nearly back to normal health and he was in my arms. 

There was just one thing I had to know. 

"Do you recognize me?" I asked it the way Chara had said it. If Simon didn't know what it meant I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. It was bothering me now. 

"Recognize you? As a man I want to be involved with or as someone I admire? Either way I'm quite happy right now. Why do you ask?" 

I kissed his temple. "Never mind. You answered my question." 

This time when his breathing slowed and deepened I listened to it and soon followed him into sleep. 

# end


End file.
